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Rough Times – Eating Disorder Update Vlog

I hate to break it to ya folks but this past month has not been full of cute puppies and rainbows. Actually this whole month has been nothing but a unforgiving, violent thunder storm. In this video I will bring you guys up to speed about what’s happening in my screwed up life and tell you about being a prisoner in the public education system, my hellish family life, the emotional turmoil of losing someone you truly cared about, and of course – my anorexia nervosa and current health status (can’t forget that can we know).

P.S. Have you subscribed to my YouTube channel? If you haven’t click here to go to my channel and subscribe! Make sure you tell more people about this blog and my YouTube channel so we can continue to spread eating disorder awareness.

Amazing Grace Doesn’t Save Everybody

Amazing Grace,

Faithful say you’re the sound,

That will save the wretched soul,

I’ve come to be.

But I’ve gotten my self lost,

In the forest of the dying souls,

And not once has this Grace,

Looked for me.

This is a short little poem I wrote as sat on the cement floor of my basement with a river of salty tears flowing down my face. This whole month has been quite a struggle. School has not been going well. On most days, I sit and in my lunch in a quiet empty classroom and most my teachers don’t seem to give a shit about the hell that has taken over my life.  I have failed to get along with my family and continue to lash out at them for no reason at all and just last week I lost someone I lost loved dearly to congestive heart failure. This person was literally my adopted grandfather and he and his wife have helped me grow so much over the years.  When I was in the hospital for my eating disorder they sent me the most caring cards I have ever laid my eyes on and they told me the most wonderful stories about all the historical events they lived through.  Now my adopted grandfather is dead, just like my soul who passed away many years ago.

It’s Been Over a Year and I Need YOUR Help

Hi Everyone,

It has been just over a year since my WordPress blog was born. When I started this blog, I didn’t think it would go anywhere. I just saw it as a way to let out the feelings that have been caged inside my shattered soul for most of the time I have spent on this earth.  Of course I hoped people would read some my posts and maybe even comment  below, sharing their experiences and their support.  But deep down inside of me, I didn’t have an ounce of hope that some stranger would even be interested in glancing at the words I composed.  In my mind, I was just a teenager that lacked not only the ability to use words as a medium for painting my life’s picture, but also any other form of talent. I was nothing but a body walking around this world waiting for the day my heart would beat its last  and my lungs would slowly deflate, expelling the carbon dioxide from my mouth that would make up my final breath.

To my surprise though, things turned out much differently. After a year of blogging and vlogging, I have gained a band of 200+ followers, all eager to read my next post. Occasionally, I am blessed with receiving some the most beautiful, comforting comments which give me the strength to survive even the most violent life’s storms.  Without my blog, vlog, and the unrelenting support of all of you amazing people, I honestly have no clue where I would be right now in life. I can guarantee you though I would be in a much darker place.

In order to keep this blog thriving, I need your help.  Please share this blog with your friends, family, eating disorder sufferers, and even coworkers. Also, make sure to subscribe and share my YouTube channel,  By doing these little things you are not only keeping the heart of this blog beating strong, you are also spreading awareness about eating disorders – a group of life-threatening illnesses that are extremely misunderstood and stigmatized by the general public.

The last thing I am going to ask all of you wonderful people to do is to give me suggestions for some of my YouTube videos. I want to create YouTube videos that are relevant to YOU because I really do care about each and every one of my readers.  If you have any suggestions, PLEASE take a minute to just fill out the contact form below with your suggestions. Yep, it’s that easy!

Thank you SO much for all of your support! I wish you all well and don’t forget to share, subscribe, and make a video suggestion  (or two :) ).

Pushed Aside

Therapists are suppose to be people you can trust with everything.

They are suppose to be the people who will help lead you out of the abyss of mental illness.

They are suppose to be the people that will keep hold of your hand and never EVER let go, even when it seems like everyone else will.

On Wednesday though I discovered that my therapist really meant none of the criteria I listed above and I can’t tell you in words how much that made my heart bleed with sorrow and pain.

So I bet you are wondering what all happened on Wednesday and why my opinion of my therapist took a turn for the worst.  Well, it all began with my therapist going on vacation to NYC so I was forced to cancel my appointment with her last week.   She was suppose to return this week in time for my appointment this Tuesday, but got stranded in an airport for some reason and was unable to make it back in time to see me. Naturally, I was slightly disappointed about me being unable to see her but I realized she had no control over whether or not her flight took off. I set this letdown aside and asked my dad to reschedule my appointment with her. He ended up getting an appointment with her on Wednesday at 2:15pm . . . or at least so we thought.

I showed up to my appointment on time and waited patiently in the waiting room, looking at the outdated magazines that lay strewn across a small end table.  At about 2:30, my therapist appeared from the hallway with an older lady. As my therapist guided her elderly patient to a car, she turned her head towards me. Her brown eyes were narrow and stern and her aging face sported a cruel grimace.  I was taken aback by this heartless facial expression of hers. I was used to her greeting me warmly and enthusiastically, kind of the way I would expect a typical mom would greet her child after a long time apart.

After a second or so of her staring at me with her cold eyes, she opened her mouth and said harshly, “You need to check your cellphone messages”.  I gulped as she turn her back towards me and lead the old lady to the car.  “I never check my cellphone messages” I thought to myself. “Doesn’t she realize that?”.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile or are familiar with my YouTube videos, you have probably figured out I am not like the typical teen. I do not see my cellphone as some exterior bodily organ that I must have with me in order to function like most immature adolescents.   My cellphones is used for two reasons and two reasons only. Those reasons are to contact my parents in the event if an emergency occurs and if I need to be picked up from a Raabia’s house (who is honestly the only friend I’ve got).   So as you can image, my phone is typically off unless I one of those events occurs which means my phone is off pretty much 98% of the time.  After 3 years of seeing my therapist, I thought she realized I NEVER text or check my text messages. I have told her multiple times the best way to get a hold of me is to email me OR text my dad’s phone.  Obviously after all this time that fact hasn’t resonated with her.

So after her harsh words, I got up and immediately called my dad with the secretary’s phone (I didn’t bring my cellphone because I DIDN’T NEED IT). My dad look at his messages and apparently while we were driving to get to the appointment with my therapist, my therapist had texted my dad saying she had booked a patient in my place and would be seeing him instead.   When I heard my dad say that, I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry though because I didn’t want my therapist to see how hurt I really was.  My dad said he would come over to get me and I then hung up. Once I would the phone back on the receiver, my therapist walked to the copying room to make some copies without even looking at me. Timidly, I made my way over to her and gave her back a book she had loaned me a few weeks ago. She said thank you and then told me in the same harsh voice that she had forgot about my appointment and gave my time to someone else.  Not sure how to respond, I just said ok and with that she continued on copying a bunch of papers.   I walked out of the building and waited for my dad to come get me.  I was so shocked and confused about what just occurred that I didn’t really feel angry. But now that some time has passed, I have found myself sinking in a sea of depression.   I don’t know what to do because I really don’t trust anyone with my feelings anymore. My parents don’t even try to help me work through my feelings, I have really no trust in my psychiatrist, and I have no desire to even send an email to my therapist because I feel so mad at her right now.

I just feel so alone and broken.

My Eating Disorder & My Chicago Trip: A Summary of Events and the Lessons I’ve Learned

If you keep up with my YouTube channel and blog, you probably know that I recently was forced to endure something absolutely terrifying – going on vacation. Most normal people absolutely love taking time out of their hectic lives in order to sleep in a nice hotel and explore a new location. These sabbaticals allow individuals to relax, rejuvenate, and finally free their minds from the concerns of the life they temporarily left behind. When one has an eating disorder though vacations are anything but enjoyable. They are times of great anxiety and caused the individual to constantly be on high alert.

In this video I summarize how my trip to The Windy City (Chicago, IL) went. I also discuss the things I learned from this trip and share some advice for those of you that may be in the same situation as me.

Want to read the blog posts from my vacation? I know you do! Check them out! Here are the links!

-First Full Day of Vacation: http://forevergoingforward.wordpress.com/2014/08/23/the-ed-vacation-chronicles-1st-full-day/
-Second Full Day of Vacation: http://forevergoingforward.wordpress.com/2014/08/24/the-ed-vacation-chronicles-the-2nd-full-day/
– Heading Home: http://forevergoingforward.wordpress.com/2014/08/26/the-ed-vacation-chronicles-heading-home/

The Ed Vacation Chronicles: Heading Home

On the 24th of August , I opened my heavy eyes as I lay awkwardly on the hotel’s rock hard couch (which I had turned into a makeshift bed for my family’s relatively stressful Chicago vacation). My mom was already up in the other room folding her clothing and carefully organizing it into her ocean-blue suitcase. Both my sister and dad were in some sort of comatose state as they are definitely not morning people.  Eventually my mom forced both of them to pry their tried eyes open and head on down to the hotel’s main floor to fill their bellies with wondrous processed breakfast items that the general population considers food.

As everyone made their way to breakfast, I poured myself a bowl of fiber-rich cereal that has the bland taste of a dough consisting of nothing but flour and water.  That day I made the decision to not drag myself to breakfast. After 2 days of constant family interaction and the occasional verbally-abusive battles, I just wanted to be alone and eat my dull food in peace.   Once I completed the amount of cereal I allotted for myself, I began to throw all of the crap I brought in my suitcase. I had no desire to take the time to ensure my suitcase was perfectly organized. At that point in time, I wanted to get out of Chicago and back home as soon as I could.

But before we went home, we had to visit my dad’s mom (my grandma) in Des Plains, a suburb of Chicago.  I am certainly not close to my dad’s mom and really have no personal connection to her. I know that sounds cold, but it’s the truth. My dad really does everything he can to keep contact with his side of the family to a minimum, especially when it comes to his 6 siblings and plethora of nieces and nephews. Not one of my dad’s siblings went to college (yep, my dad is the ONLY one in his ENTIRE family), one of my dad’s sisters is a “recovering” meth addict, the other sister manipulates my dad’s mom into giving her cash, and there’s apparently another sister who lives in California who I haven’t meant.  The two living brothers (the youngest brother died after struggling with a rare, extremely serious genetic disorder), K and J are relatively normal. I believe J has a stable, well-paying job and is probably the most normal of the two. I am unsure of K’s job status, but he really doesn’t take care of himself at all and one of his daughters (he has two, one has severe cognitive delays) is rather troubled and had a child out of wedlock (she was only 17!). Actually, I believe ALL  of the cousins on my dad’s side who have a child have had that child out of wedlock. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

Well anyway, we drove to Des Plaines and visited my grandma in her tiny, neglected apartment. The moment you walk into that little space, the odor of cat food and feces hit you like a brick wall.  The tattered carpets look like they haven’t been cleaned in centuries, piles of incredibly old bills and magazines lay around, and old books laying in aging bookshelves collect an incredibly unhealthy amount of dust and dirt.  The sad thing is that my grandma was living in worse places than this health-hazard prison cell. This year she took a terrible fall and broke her hip. She was taken to the hospital and required surgery. Unfortunately, during that surgery she had a stroke and had serious complications with the anesthesia. She made it through that hard spot, but my dad’s sister (the one who takes my grandma’s  money)  somehow convinced my grandma to leave her apartment and move in to her house which could actually be on the hit TV show Hoarders!  My dad’s sister probably just did it to get my grandma’s social security check to be honest with you. Recently we finally got her back in her old apartment and though it is obviously better than my dad’s sister’s house, it certainly is not a decent place to live the final years of your life.

After visiting my grandma, my mom and sister decided to head back home in my mom’s car while my dad and I decided to go to Naperville. There I could explore the best grocery store on the planet (Whole Foods) and also visit the campus of North Central College.   Though we didn’t get home till after dinnertime (which forced me to not follow my strict routine) and I also got a terrible headache due to the unforgiving August heat, I actually had an extremely pleasant time with my dad.   It was just absolutely incredible to spend some one-on-one time with the man who raised me so well.

So that was basically what the trip home was like. I am planning to make a YouTube vlog today summarizing my vacation experiences and what I learned from my short time in Chicago. If you have suggestions for videos you would like me to do in the future, just comment below.

Thank you ALL for taking the time to read my blog. I appreciate it so much and it means so much to me. I love you all!

CLAIRE

Read about . . . 

My 2nd day in Chicago

My 1st day in Chicago

 

The Ed Vacation Chronicles: 2nd Full Day

After my whole family stuffed their stomachs with the “lets-get-diabetes” goodies from the hotels complementary breakfast, we made our way to the bus stop to visit the Shedd Aquarium. That morning I was in a particularly good mood. I was bound and determined to make-up what happened the day before to my parents, so I forced myself to become immersed in a state of excitement and joy.

Once we made it to the aquarium, we began our day by watching a magnificent live show where the dolphins, belugas, and sea lions entertained us by doing some spectacular tricks. Then we went on over to the 4D theatre to watch a totally immersive video on the prehistoric sea monsters that once roamed our earths waters.

At about 1:00 we left the aquarium and went to the Field Museum. By this time my body ached like hell and my body was crying for sleep. I could feel anger and frustration slowly build up inside me as the pain and exhaustion began to increase. After about an hour and a half of suppresses these feelings, I snapped. I became completely uncooperative and rather rude to my parents. When we finally left the museum and got on the bus, I had become completely unresponsive. Though my family was attempting to converse with me, I had no desire to make words come out of my lips and finally people stopped trying to talk to me.

Eventually we got to the hotel and once we enter to room, a river of tears rushed out of my eyes. Everything hurt and I just couldn’t stand it. My mom gave me some of my pain pills and soon I calmed down dispute my discomfort. About 2 hours later we went to Chipolte and grabbed some food then we did a little window shopping on Michigan Ave. and made our way back to the hotel.

It was a long and rather difficult 24 hours for me. Meal time was easier I must admit, but nowadays I feel like my body can only bear so much and my family really exceeded my physical limit.

Today we will be heading back home, but we are going to stop and quickly visit my dad’s mom (I don’t know her really well). My mom and sister will then immediately head home while my dad and I will go to Naperville to visit a college campus and then go on a little Whole Foods (an all organic grocery chain) shopping spree. Today may be another long day but it will be nice to spend some quality time with my dad.

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