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Breaking – How I Fell Apart

It’s almost 4am and it’s a Saturday. Like all other hormonal teens, I should be fast asleep – not to wake up until the burning yellow sun is high in the Wisconsin spring sky.   But though my eyes struggle to stay open and my body aches for rest, I can’t calm myself enough to return to the rat’s nest that is my bed.   Even during spring break last week, when there was absolutely NO homework and nothing to fret about, I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours a night.  My mind was like a hamster running forever on its wheel to nowhere. I got down on my hands and knees and pleaded with my mind to stop running. I tried to tell it that it could rest , I really did. But of course, it didn’t listen or maybe it just didn’t care.

Actually spring break is what I want to talk about with you because even though I was freed from school for that week, my mind was holding me captive.

The original plan for my spring break was that my family and I would drive the 8 miserable hours to my grandparents’ farm in Lower Michigan.  I dreaded the idea of going there not only because my mind continued to inform me that I would morph into a fat pig during the car ride, but also because my mom had a signed me up to visit a few colleges in Grand Rapids.

Now I know most kids are excited about leaving their families and venturing out into the world to start their lives, but I lack that excitement. In fact, the thought of me going to college is worse than my most frightening nightmare.  I’m not ready for my parents to abandon me and I’m not ready to be independent. My mind is still plagued with eating disorder thoughts and depression is like a cancer, taking control of every aspect of myself.  I am so emotionally unwell that I doubt I will be able to survive without the presence of my family.

Luckily, my dad was unable to go on the trip due to his pastoral obligations. I felt so incredibly relieved . . . . until my mom told me she signed me up to visit two colleges here in Wisconsin.

To make a long story short, I visited both the colleges and before I visited each one, I turned into a monster fueled by anxiety. I screamed and yelled about the stupidest things, I withdrew from everyone, I cut my arms, and I cried.

I cried until my hideous face was hidden by a mask of salty tears.

I cried until my eyes felt like they had been set on fire.

I cried until my heart, mind, and body felt completely numb.

Though I survived both the college visits, my emotional instability continued all through the rest of spring break. My parents were constantly furious because of my behavior and they of course expressed this to my therapist.   When I went to see her on Wednesday, she expressed a great deal of anger and frustration at me as well. She told me I wasn’t trying to get better and that I wanted to become a life-long prisoner in the jail of mental illness.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I can’t tell you how much I want to be normal. I want to enjoy life and take pleasure in all it has to offer, but it is just so hard to break free from the chains of my diseases and sometimes I wonder if I should just go back to a treatment facility to try to regain the self I have lost.  I couldn’t do that though  . . . it’s too expensive and it is much too scary to give my control to the treatment providers.  I just couldn’t do it.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just live instead of survive?

Why?

Won’t someone tell me why?

I NEED YOUR HELP!

Well everyone, I need a little bit of your assistance.

For my math class, we were told to design and administer a survey in order to collect data on something we have interest in. As an eating disorder sufferer for most of my life, I decided to create a survey that allowed me to gain further insight into the potential triggers of anorexia and bulimia.

I ended up designing a survey that looks to see if there is any correlation between GERD (also known as “acid reflux”) and the two main eating disorders – anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Currently I am in need of more data.  With that being said, if you have been diagnosed with GERD/Acid Reflux, Anorexia, OR Bulimia, please click on the link to my survey and take it. It will literally take you two minutes or even less to complete.  Also, after you take the survey, be sure to share the link with others who have GERD/Acid Reflux, Anorexia, and Bulimia.  The more people who take the survey, the more accurate my findings will be :)

Here’s the link: http://goo.gl/forms/GoUyIlqxyP

My Recent Trip to the Shrink – A Living Hell

My most recent psychiatrist visit was definitely not a piece of cake.

It’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week!

It’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week!

Well everyone, the time is here! It’s finally Eating Disorder Awareness Week and to start the week off, I made a the Q&A video I promised all of you in my last video.  Hopefully you enjoy it and make sure to write some suggestions in the comment box below for new videos that you want to see or new blog post topics you want to read!

Have a great day everyone!

Fleeing Fashion’s Cult: How One Young Woman Has Learned to Love Her Body

For too long, women everywhere have adhered to the teachings of fashion’s holiest texts, such as Vogue and Elle,hoping to gain self-confidence and empowerment by wearing the clothing they see on their cadaverous prophets.  The women who have become victims of this psychologically-destructive cult have lost the ability to express themselves. No longer do they seek attire that complements their figure or matches their unique personality. Why? Because all these victims want is to be what Vogue and Elle tells them to be!

But Holly Foster, an incredibly wise 22 year old, has refused to lose herself in fashion’s toxic teachings. When she was just 16, the age when most girls spend hundreds of dollars on the latest trends, Holly discovered a vintage dress at a charity shop and fell in love with it.  Today if you were to check out Holly’s closet, you would find it chalked full of the classiest pieces of vintage attire.  Knee-length skirts, stunning blouses, classic dresses . . . YOU NAME IT. If it is from the 40’s, you’ll probably find it in there!

We have a lot to learn from Holly Foster. She decided to wear clothes that not only suited her personality and figure, but also honored her moral values such as modesty. So my friends, before you purchase that overpriced tee from Abercrombie & Fitch or spend your whole paycheck at Hollister,  ask yourself why you are buying their clothes. Are you purchasing them because they reflect your values and personal style or do you just want to blend in with the other dedicated members of the fashion cult?

What Anorexia Really Is

What Anorexia Really Is

what anorexia really is

I made this picture because I really do think eating disorders are illnesses that are misunderstood by the majority of the population. Too many people think ED sufferers engage in behaviors by choice in order to achieve our nation’s current “thin ideal”. FYI folks, eating disorders are . . .

1) NOT the result of vanity.

2) NOT an illness that someone chooses to have.

3) NOT something that should be made fun of or not taken seriously. Would you make a joke about a person who is dying from cancer, a genetic condition, or another life-threatening physical condition? Then why is it even remotely humorous to judge or to make fun of someone who is dying from an eating disorder?

Eating Disorder Vlog: Relapse

The month of January is usually a month of great excitement. It is the beginning of a new year, of a new start on life. Unfortunately, that was not the case for me.
The month of January was like a heartless militant. It waged war on me and through the use of anxiety-provoking, stress-inducing events, it destroyed me in every battle. Now January is over and it won the war, shattering my emotional well-being and destroying any progress I made in overthrowing the kingdom of my eating disorder.
I hate to admit this but I have relapsed. My eating disorder is beginning to control everything about me and my life and this time, I don’t know how to stop it.

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