Looking through my older blog posts made me realize that this blog isn’t turning out how I wanted it to be. Almost every single post is polluted with despair, fury, and a grim-outlook on life. That’s not what this blog was intended to be. It was suppose to be an online refuge for the millions of women, girls, and men struggling with an eating disorder -a place where they could see that recovery is an achievable goal. Unfortunately, that is not what I have done so far. Instead, I have given the impression to all my readers that recovery is a perilous odyssey filled with fear and anger. Sure, recovery may be a difficult process. Of course there are going to be times when you just want to throw in the towel and start worshipping the porcelain god (AKA purging), going on a binge, and drastically depriving yourself of nourishment. But there are many rewarding moments in recovery, and that is what I have failed to show each and every one of you.
One positive moment for me was when my mom said the five words, “I am proud of you.” As I’ve told you before, my mom is an extremely black-and-white thinker. She demands perfection and believes getting rid of my eating disorder should be a process that is speedy, painless, and clean. Obviously this belief resulted in a lot of tension between my mom and I as well as greatly strained our already poor relationship. So when she finally opened her mouth and said those words, I felt a rush of happiness go through my body. That is when I thought for the first time that maybe my relationship with my mom would improve – maybe I was going to win this fight against my eating disorder – maybe, just maybe, things were going turn out alright.
I guess what I am just trying to say is recovery CAN be a positive process, you just need to start changing your mindset. Try to focus on your accomplishments instead of what you’ve deemed as failures. If you purge one day, just let it go. Don’t let that one occurrence make you think that recovery isn’t possible for you. This journey is going to be a little bumpy and guess what, stumbling is ok! You just have to stand up, dust yourself off and keep on going – keep on smiling – keep on moving forward.