Body-Checking Battles


Anxiously, I begin my almost hourly ritual by wrapping my middle finger and thumb around my wrist bone.  Each time I do this, I silently pray my finger and thumb will overlap because  someone is watching me while I do this act. Someone  who is as cold as  the frozen tundra. Someone who is as heartless as a Mayan sacrifice victim. Someone who is just so hateful, it could only be one being – ED, my eating disorder.

I know that if my finger and thumb feel a little tighter around my wrist, ED will be enraged. He will verbally beat me by declaring I am a “fat pig”, a “worthless piece of shit”, or  – his personal favorite – a “sumo wrestler”.

For those of you with an eating disorder, I think you are quite familiar with this vicious brutality after you complete a body-check.  To be honest with you, I’ve become accustomed to it! ED’s abuse has just become apart of my daily routine! I used to just accept that fact, but now I am beginning to question it. I mean, why should I should stand around and let ED damage me and my self-confidence? I should be hitting him back, throwing him to the ground, watching him suffer like I did for so many years!

I realize now that what he is doing to me and so many others isn’t fair.  No one deserves this kind of verbal warfare, including you! I know this is going to sound cliche, but you are the only you there is.  You have been blessed with your own unique gifts and talents and don’t let ED or some negative voice in your mind say otherwise, because it’s not true. And believe me, it never ever will be.


3 thoughts on “Body-Checking Battles

  1. I do this often, checking my wrists, arms and legs with my fingers. It’s gotten to the point where any time my fiancé catches me with the opposite hand on those parts of my body, even if I wasn’t body checking, he asks me what I’m doing or what’s wrong. Often I don’t even realize I’ve been doing it, but obviously ED is in control somewhere in my subconscious.

  2. I used to do this and still do even in recovery. It is more of a habit for me now. I sometimes don’t even know I’m doing it and my boyfriend gives me ‘the eye.’
    I’m just glad the ED’s voice isn’t as loud to me now.

    1. I am so happy to hear that ED is screaming in your ear any more! That is such an amazing accomplishment! Keep moving forward because you deserve it! You deserve to smile and enjoy everything life has to offer 🙂

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