I Thought I Closed the Door, ED . . . .

Yep, there's ED again. Refusing to leave me be as usual . . . .
Yep, there’s ED again. Refusing to leave me be as usual . . . .

During the 3 months of freedom commonly known as summer break, I worked my ass off to try to get ED (my eating disorder) out of my life.  I used every single muscle in my body to push him out the front door. Of course he still would still find a way to barge it open sometimes and try to convince me to let him back in my life, but as time went on, I thought I was got a hell of a lot better at ignoring his tempting words and kicking him back onto the street where he belonged.

But then school started and things changed. . .

I notice now my flexibility when it comes to food is beginning to dissolve. It is nearly impossible for me to eat with my family because their version of dinnertime is off my rigid schedule.  The idea of going out to eat now strikes an enormous amount of fear in me, more than ever before. Even just someone mentioning that they would like to go to a restaurant when I hadn’t planned on it, causes me to lash out due to the overwhelming amount of anxiety that overcomes me.

All these behaviors are causing my parents to become immensely disappointed in me. I can just see it in their sorrowful eyes. They just want me to get better. They just want me to be the old Claire. Hell, they just want me to be happy. That’s all they ask  from me and yet I can’t even give them that. What kind of daughter am I?

A selfish one that’s what I am! I always allow ED to get in the way of the fun things my family does. I can’t go out to eat. I can’t go too far away because of my fear of sitting for long periods of time and missing my scheduled eating period. I can’t be happy because I am constantly anxious about something.  The list just goes on and on . . .

Can’t you see? I am just letting ED ruin everything. All I want to do is stop him so everybody can smile and actually mean it for once, but I apparently can’t do it. Over the summer, I thought I would soon be out of the woods. Now though, I feel like I will be forever trapped in ED’s clutches.  I don’t want to be, but I don’t know how to recover because whenever I try to, I fail. I just fail. . . .

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5 thoughts on “I Thought I Closed the Door, ED . . . .

    1. Thank you 🙂 It’s just hard sometimes because I think my parents expected that after spending months in treatment a few years ago, they thought I would be back to normal. They just don’t understand my fear of food and food-related activities. I want to get better, it’s just it is so hard to do when your parents seem to pick out all your faults.

      1. My parents just think that if I eat, I’ll be better. It’s hard for them to understand that that isn’t how it works.

  1. When I was discharged from an ED treatment program, I had to have numerous talks with my parents and boyfriend about how recovery can be a life-long process…and that I may never be fully recovered. It is important for the people in your life to be compassionate about the lifelong challenges from ED.

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