My Double and I

This is what I deal with - two of me (as if one wasn't enough).
This is what I deal with – two of me (as if one wasn’t enough).

When you have an eating disorder, it’s almost like you are split in two. One side of you is the ED (eating disorder) side and this side of you is just filled with negative self-talk and extremely illogical thought processes. The second side is perfectly healthy and recognizes the illogical thinking of the ED side as well as understands the alarmingly severe side effects of malnutrition.

As you can guess, being split in two results in some pretty bloody internal civil wars. These wars are extremely distressing to us people with eating disorders because it is so difficult to make wise, healthy decisions when you are fighting with yourself.   For example, I need to gain weight. I mean, I am almost 16 and I have a chest that is almost as flat as board and lack the figure the distinguishes a woman from a man.   For goodness sake, I look like I am a 12 year old!   My healthy side acknowledges this embarrassing fact and encourages me to increase my caloric intake. Unfortunately though, that’s when the ED side of me jumps right in and begins to shoot me down with his words of hatred. He screams at me for being fat and informs me that if I gain even an ounce that I will be classified as a worthless piece of shit.  I’m sad to say that a lot of the times ED usually trumps the healthy me.

One day I hope I can turn that around and have my healthy side to be the strong, powerful one.  Right now though, that just isn’t the case. I know that I am doing much better than I was a few years ago when I was in the depths of my anorexia, but I still am constantly plagued with the feeling of being fat and anxiety over ingesting food.  Sometimes I wish I could just have a magic wand and fix everything so I can just be a normal teenager.   I guess though I need to cope with the cards I’ve been dealt and try to make some lemonade out of these extremely sour lemons.

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