Struggling, Struggling, and More Struggling

For the past 48 hours, ED has been shouting his tempting commands in my ears. He has been demanding me to lean over the porcelain god and purge whatever contents are in my stomach, pressing me to restrict my caloric intake, and insulting my appearance whenever I see my hideous reflection in the mirror.

Why the sudden the increase in eating disorder urges? Well, it’s all because I have been less active due the damn physical pain I have been enduring lately.

My eating disorder causes me to believe that I will become incredibly fat by lying completely comatose in my bed.  I wish I could tell you that I know this isn’t true, but I don’t.  I believe it with every ounce in my disgustingly fleshy body.

I honestly feel like I am going downhill. I just want to be like every other kid. I don’t want this voice in my head. I don’t want this physical pain. I don’t want to be such a depressed, anxious bitch.

Gosh, I am sorry for this post. It is terrible in every aspect.  There is no flow to my writing. It lacks any excitement. Hell, it’s just plain bad.

But I posted it anyway because this is what is going on in my life. This is what my eating disorder does to me. This is me.

 

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7 thoughts on “Struggling, Struggling, and More Struggling

  1. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your post was not bad at all. It was honest and raw. I hope that writing it helped you. Also I am so sorry that this is such a difficult time for youl

  2. If more people were as honest as you are about struggling, we’d be able to eliminate much of the stigma and judgment that plague our world. Hang in there…sharing is always better than keeping it bottled up.

  3. Like Anna said, I felt that this post was honest and raw and for THAT in itself is important to notice. When we are wanting to get somewhere; if we only talk about the things to be celebrated/the good times…..that wouldn’t be the REAL deal. By being honest like you are; you’ll being real in your feelings and where you are right now. You can only have true growth if your being honest in the growing(journey) process. You can get pass this…

    1. Thank you, that is so kind of you for saying that. I am currently in outpatient treatment and my team consists of a registered dietitian, therapist, and child & adolescent psychiatrist. I hope and pray your daughter will soon be freed from her struggle as well. 🙂 Tell her to stay strong and never give up.

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