Empty on the Inside

I wish I could tell you how I feel right now, but to be honest with you I just can’t. It’s not because I am overwhelmed with so many emotions that I can’t even wrap my mind around them, its actually quite the opposite. Right now, it feels like I am nothing but a shell of a girl – some soulless being just wondering on the face of this earth.

Maybe it is because my brain has had to sort through so many intense emotions over such a sustained period of time. For months, the pressure I have gotten from my parents to eat, put on pounds, and go to stupid choir has resulted in such a high amount of constant anxiety. Then as if that wasn’t enough, the MRI that I thought would give me some answers as to why I have been experiencing such severe pain, came back normal – leaving me with nowhere to turn. I can’t even begin to put into words how devastating and frustrating that is!

I think in a way I have given up.  The severe pain isn’t going away anytime soon, especially since the doctors have no clue what’s wrong with me. Food and weight are always going to be a struggling. And my parents, well they are just going to keep pressuring me till I burst.

Why can’t  life come with a rewind button? If it did I would go back in time and find a way to stop ED from barging into my mind. I would find the damn cause of my pain and discover a way to prevent it from ever happening. I would completely rewrite my entire life so that right now I could actually experience happiness – something I haven’t felt in such a long time.

One thought on “Empty on the Inside

  1. As you and me both know; we can not change the past but we can change the future and more importantly the present. It’s important to keep in mind that we don’t want to keep having to “rewind” to that past moment to dictate our present moment. I think it is important that we do our best to change our thinking so that we can change our outcome now. You CAN change that; not the beginning but you can change the end now. Your blog name, Forever Going Forward implies that you consider the past but your not stuck in it. One day; you won’t ALWAYS struggle with food and one day you won’t be constant in anxiety…you will move forward and you can continue to move forward if you don’t let the present situation overwhelm you so that you can move forward no longer.

    There’s a time to give up and a time not and I THINK that this is not your time to give up. God Bless You…..your going to get there.

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