I wish I could tell you how I feel right now, but to be honest with you I just can’t. It’s not because I am overwhelmed with so many emotions that I can’t even wrap my mind around them, its actually quite the opposite. Right now, it feels like I am nothing but a shell of a girl – some soulless being just wondering on the face of this earth.
Maybe it is because my brain has had to sort through so many intense emotions over such a sustained period of time. For months, the pressure I have gotten from my parents to eat, put on pounds, and go to stupid choir has resulted in such a high amount of constant anxiety. Then as if that wasn’t enough, the MRI that I thought would give me some answers as to why I have been experiencing such severe pain, came back normal – leaving me with nowhere to turn. I can’t even begin to put into words how devastating and frustrating that is!
I think in a way I have given up. The severe pain isn’t going away anytime soon, especially since the doctors have no clue what’s wrong with me. Food and weight are always going to be a struggling. And my parents, well they are just going to keep pressuring me till I burst.
Why can’t life come with a rewind button? If it did I would go back in time and find a way to stop ED from barging into my mind. I would find the damn cause of my pain and discover a way to prevent it from ever happening. I would completely rewrite my entire life so that right now I could actually experience happiness – something I haven’t felt in such a long time.