I wish this post would be one that would be teeming with incredible optimism, encouraging people everywhere to keep living with a smile on their face. But if I were to produce this kind of cheery post at this time in my life, every sentence would be nothing but lies. My true feelings would be locked away deep inside my heart, slowly sucking the life out of me till I can’t bear it anymore. I would rather be honest with you and myself than allow these emotions to become secrets.
So how am I feeling? I feel disappointed in myself. In fact, I am so disappointed it’s beyond belief and it’s not just due to one thing. One of the reasons why I am dealing with this terrible emotion is because I feel like I am not doing enough to get better from my ED. I mean, I am trying as hard as hell but sometimes I wonder if my efforts are even close to being enough. For example, last night my dad was going to make pasta for me and I refused it with all my might. I did not have become violent or said words laced with hatred, but I was rather adamant about the fact that even a string of spaghetti would not be entering my mouth. ED is rather fearful of pasta and I believe this is because of two things. One is that pasta contains quite a few calories in such an itsy bitsy serving and the other reason is because my dad thinks its a splendid idea to boil the pasta with a ton of oil. Yes oil! What could possibly be more scary?!?!?!
Why else I am beating myself up? I fear that my history of my rollercoaster-like relationship with Ed will get in the way of my treatment for my “mystery condition”. They still haven’t figured out what is wrong with me and I am scared that the doctors will think I am actively anorexic, thus declaring that as the cause for my endless physical pain, nausea, and extreme fatigue. I am going to see a few doctors down at a children’s hospital and even though I long for some answers, I don’t want to show my face. I would be SO mad at myself if they said the reason I felt this way was due to anorexia. I am NOT actively restricting NOR am I compulsively exercising! For goodness sakes, I can’t even exercise anymore because I feel so horrific!
Sometimes I wish I could go back in my past and completely erase my history of anorexia. I despise it so much. Not only does it make medical professionals suspicious of me, but there is so much stigma around eating disorders it’s not like you can really talk about it. If someone had diabetes or cancer, they can discuss their medical journey with whomever they please. But if you suffered or are currently suffering from an eating disorder, you can’t do that. In our world, eating disorders are a taboo subject. It’s something you keep quiet about and hide deep inside you. I wish things weren’t that way, but they are and sometimes I wonder if that is ever going to change . . .
Well, that is the end of long, incoherent rant about the events in my life. I really do hope you guys are doing much better than me and I pray that your day will be filled with remarkable blessings. Remember to keep moving forward!