I’m Sorry Dad

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I can’t help but feel like an utter failure. . .

Yesterday was a half day at my school and we got out at exactly 11:29am.  As I dragged my 20lb backpack and exhausted body to the car after the final bell echoed through the white halls, my dad asked me one of the scariest things – “Do you want to go out and have lunch with me?”

I could feel my hands begin to sweat and a wave of intense anxiety crush my lungs, making it difficult to breath. As each breath became heavier and more labored, my flight or fight response began to kick in. I was trapped inside my dad’s car and we were driving. There was no where to run, no where to hide. That meant I had no other option, I had to fight.

And that’s exactly what I did. As I held back tears of fear, I demanded we go home. I told my father I was much to tired to sit and attempt to order something from a restaurant. I told him I just wanted to relax. I told him I wasn’t hungry. I told  him no.

After my 5 minute rant, I looked at my dad and though he was trying to keep a straight face, I could tell he was hiding all the hurt I caused him. By refusing to go out to eat, I rejected my father and accepted my eating disorder.  I allowed ED to control my thoughts, my words, and my actions once again!  I didn’t even give my logical and healthy side of me a chance. Why did I do that? I know better than that! I should of controlled myself. I should waged war on Ed and beat him to the ground.

But no . . . .I gave in and now next time I have to go out to eat it will be even harder to not let ED take the wheel.

 

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3 thoughts on “I’m Sorry Dad

  1. Hey, we all make mistakes. We learn from those mistakes and then we dust ourselves off and move forward. You can do this. Why not suggest to your father that you go out for an ice cream in a park of something. You pick the scenario and put ED in it’s place. It doesn’t have to be a big deal like a restaurant, maybe just a donut and a warm drink somewhere. Explain to your Dad that you are trying to do this but you need to take baby steps. Your father loves and adores you and will support you. Hang in there sweetheart, you can do this. You know you can. 🙂

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