As I lay here utterly alone in my cluttered bedroom, thousands of horrific thoughts are barging into my mind.
The biggest thing that is plaguing my thoughts is my health. The pain I am experiencing is honestly the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life. My hip feels like someone is jamming a machete right into my bone. My abdomen hurts terribly and waves of nausea hit me as hard as a raging tsunami. Something is wrong and I can just feel it in my gut, yet the doctors I have seen seem utterly perplexed with my condition. The last one I just saw seemed to dismiss my plethora of horrid symptoms as nothing a side effect of my history with anorexia nervosa. If he would have listened to my dad and I he would have heard that I have been eating quite well and my weight has been steadily increasing. He also would have heard that all the other doctors I have seen have proclaimed that my ever declining condition is NOT the result of some nutrition deficiency or malnutrition. I am slowly beginning to lose faith in the medical profession. I can’t trust it anymore because it also seem to find a way to cut me down.
The second thing that is causing anxiety for me is Thanksgiving – the most dreaded holiday for those of us with eating disorders. My dad is planning to make all these foods that are laden with fat and calories. I am not emotionally ready for this type of mortifying “food challenge”. I know if I even have a morsel of some of the “unsafe” food, I will enter a severe state of panic. Everyone knows what will happen then…. I will have to engage in ED behaviors in order to ease my worries. I know that’s terrible but I’ve gotta be honest and that is what will occur
Alrighty I am sorry for my little rant, I needed to let these fears out though. It’s so hard to keep them bottled up inside me ready to burst like a huge super volcano.