Christmas Struggles

So I am going to start off this post by apologizing about the video I promised yesterday.  I slept most of yesterday and then my family and I had to be social at some Christmas party (if you haven’t catched my drift yet, parties are not my thing).  So the whole “make-a a-video” thing went out the window.  . . . but don’t fret. I am planning on making one once I reach my grandparents house located in the boonies of lower Michigan.  Wait. . . you probably weren’t aware of my family’s annual pilgrimage to good ol’ Michigan were you? Well, sit back and relax as you read about what it takes for a recovering anorexic to cope with a horrifying journey. A journey so horrifying, that I am filled with fear and apprehension weeks in advance.

It’s all starts with getting there and if we want to get to my grandparent’s house, I must endure a grueling 8 hour car trip. Many people may find this task to be nothing more than an inconvenience, but for a recovery anorexic (like me) a car trip this long is literally the definition of hell. You see, ED tends to infiltrate my thoughts during this horrendous interstate odyssey and causes me to think that sitting on my ass for a total of 8 hours will result in an incredible amount of weight-gain. As all of you guys are probably aware, weight-gain is the greatest fear of any anorexic.

Once that challenging drive is completed, you would hope that that would be the end to my misery. But of course, it is just beginning. At my grandparents house it seems like the world revolves around artery-clogging comfort foods, which are obviously NEVER going to enter my mouth. Plus I have to worry about my food allergies and cross contamination. I am sorry, but food allergies and anorexia are NEVER a good mix. When those two things mesh together it results in panic attacks that even a ton of lorazepam can’t control.

Ok . . . . .. yep. That was my venting session.  I know I need to think a little more positively about this whole trip, but it’s as hard as hell. I am so scared and frightened. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home. . . .

Off to the ER

Despite the fact a snow storm in brewing here in the frozen Wisconsin tundra, my mom and I are going to brave the heartless weather and head out on the road.

No, we are not planning on going to the home of family or friends where the joy of the upcoming holiday fills the air.

We are going to the emergency room of a nearby hospital.

er

 

For awhile now, you all know I have been trying so hard to manage the pain but despite the plethora of prescription painkillers I am on, nothing eases my agony. Last night the pain was horrific. It stemmed from my back and shot through my arms and legs. We were going to go to the ER last night, but the idea of going through a marathon of intrusive medical examinations all through the night did not appeal to both me and my mom. So together we decided it would be best to head to the ER once the sun rose. Not only would this give my mom time to recuperate, but I think she was also holding on to the false belief that maybe I would miraculously feel better. I was holding on to that hope as well.

But as I lay here in my bed wanting to cry due to the pain, I am faced with the grim reality that I don’t feel any better and that I can’t manage the pain independently anymore. I need help. I just need one doctor to give me some help.

Eating Disorder Update PLUS Coping with Christmas

Christmas is one of the hardest holidays for those of us with eating disorders. It’s a time that revolves around food and traveling, two things that can be very stressful for those of us with anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, or even BED. In this video I will give you an update on how I am doing as well as how I am planning to cope with the holiday season.

I Think This is Where I am Suppose to Be

“I may have not gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be.”  ~Douglas Adams

I can’t tell you how long I have believed I am nothing but a black sheep. I am like the monster in the family, eating the hearts and breaking the souls of the people that I am suppose to love unconditionally.

 

I have forced my parents to make life or death situations when I was in the depths of my eating disorder.

I have given them no choice but spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on treatment that hasn’t done me any good.

I have threatened suicide so many times I am surprised I am not a permanent resident in some psychiatric institution.

Hell, every day I come home infuriated for no reason. I scream. I yell. I tear my parents to shreds with my abusive language.

Sometimes I wonder why I am still here today. I mean, I have done so many bad things and broken so many people, you’d think karma would come into play and find a way to obliterate me from the face of the earth.

But that hasn’t happen yet and I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I am here for a reason.

 

When I came across the quote above, it really started to get the wheels in my head turning. It made me think that maybe the reason why I have been through so much is to help others.  I don’t know if you guys know this, but I have always wanted to become a doctor and my goal is to help free this trapped in Ed’s clutches. Due to my first-hand experience in this psychiatric ailment as well as many others, maybe it will help me establish empathy and have a better understanding on how to treat my patients.

So I guess I never chose to have an eating disorder, anger issues, depression, and anxiety. But I am starting to realize that maybe the universe intended it to happen this way.

How Many Calories are in Blood?

Just as the moon was high in the winter sky, I was awoken by the most revolting sensation I have ever experienced. Some thin liquid of sorts was forming a river out of my nostril and down my face.  At first I thought I was experiencing nothing but a case of rhinorrhea – the medical term for a runny nose. But as I grabbed for a Kleenex by the side of my bed and attempted to wipe the disgusting secretions from my face, I realized that the nasal seepage did not consist of watery boogers. Instead, I saw my Kleenex covered in pale red blood.

nosebleed

I shot my tired body up from my bed and sprinted to the bathroom. There I went through a whole packet of Kleenex, attempting to at least ease the bleeding. As my nose bled and bled, I noticed something absolutely horrific. Something I totally dreaded.

The metallic-tasting blood had made its way down my throat.

For many people, this wouldn’t seen like a big deal. I mean sure, it’s gross, but for them it’s not a distressing and anxiety-provoking situation. For those of us with eating disorders, a bloody nose can be horrifying . . . or at least for me it is.

You see, right when I noticed the blood oozing down my throat, Ed began to scream in my ear. He told me the blood would go to my stomach and then it would be digested. Without knowing the caloric content of the blood, I would be completely unable to compute how much energy my body just took in. Therefore, I was risking going over my calorie limit for the day which would ultimately result in . .  .

Yep, you guessed it! Immediate obesity.

Now I realize for a lot of you who don’t have eating disorders, this is probably one of the most absurd thought processes in the world. Let me reassure you, I am not stupid and logically I understand that one cannot enter a state of obesity just by experiencing a nosebleed.  But eating disorders are illogical illnesses and they completely hold you logical brain hostage. Ed doesn’t allow you to believe the truth because he is a smart cookie. He completely realizes once you realize his bizarre inaccuracies, you will be set free. We all know that is the very last thing Ed wants. . . .

 

P.S. I want to make another video soon and I would like to know what you guys would like to see! Just leave a comment or fill out the contact form!