As the sun begins to peak its head over the modest houses and tall trees in my neighborhood, I can feel my heart begin to pound and my thoughts begin to shoot through my mind. For months I have been fretting about the events that will take place this weekend and now in just a few short hours, the plans that have been made will commence.
About an hour or so away, there is a place known as Pine Lake. It’s a well-kept Methodist campground complete with three cozy two-bedroom cabins and one large house. Every single summer for as long as I can remember, my family and I would pack our bags and head straight for Pine Lake to enjoy the last weeks of summer vacation bliss. When I was 9 years old, one of my greatest companions and her family (which my parents know extremely well) began to join us on our vacation. I enjoy every single second of the vacation. My mouth seemed to be permanently stuck in a genuine smile as my family and my friend family giggled, laughed, and played games. But then anorexia took my brain captive and my feelings for all vacations were drastically altered. No longer did I like the idea of venturing away from my home where my life my perfectly predictable. I am sad to say that this feeling hasn’t changed.
Now my family has concocted a relatively new tradition – going to Pine Lake in the bone-chilling winter with my friend and her family. Though my true “unanorexic” self is excited and happy to have some RNR in the middle of nowhere, a majority of myself is consumed with fear and negative thoughts. The idea of being constantly trapped in a social situation and having to ingest meals with family and friend, make me so incredibly nervous I want to throw up.
I know I should try to be more positive and allow my anorexia-free self to shine through, but I am just so scared. I wish sometimes I could take a pill and heal my broken mind so I can be the wonderful little girl I once was.