Fat, Fat, and More Fat

I wish I could tell you all things have been absolutely marvelous. Every day I have been waking up with a smile stretching from ear to ear. I sit and consume any food I want, even in public situations. Oh and my outfits are now comprised of form-fitting, fashionable attire – not baggy black sweatpants and a-size-too-big t-shirts.

But of course things aren’t working out that way for me, Actually if you want me to be truly genuine and authentic, I have been heading south – especially when I talk about my body image.

For a while things were ok with body. Sure, I was gaining weight and I hated it with every ounce of my being, but I was dealing with the horrors of being unable to fit in child-sized clothing relatively well.  Then I went to Dr, K’s yesterday (he is my psychiatrist) and he had me step on that damn electric scale of his.  I saw I had gained weight and I was now officially at the highest weight I have EVER been in my short life.  As I sat in Dr. K’s office while he asked me questions about my current feelings about life, I completely hid how mortified I was of my disgusting weight. I just sat there with a fake (but sincere-looking) smile as I lied to him about how great my life has now become. He obviously bought my little fabrications and within 20 minutes, I was heading home.

When I got to my house and took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I pinched every square inch of my body trying to calculate how fat I really was. Right then and there, as I cried while body checking,  I made the decision that things had to change. I could NOT let myself gain any more weight. Even a single ounce of weight-gain would be absolutely forbidden.   Right now though, losing some pounds isn’t my main mission. Really all I want to do at this moment is to end the unceasing growth of this massive piece of flab I am sad to call my body.   But I know my main goal of weight maintenance could easily morph into something much more sinister – uncontrollable weight loss.

I fully realize how easy it is to step right back into being a full-blown anorexic. To be fully honest though, I really don’t care. All I care about is being thin because to me, thinness is the epitome of success, popularity, and beauty.


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