Well folks, it has seemed like a long time since I have gotten the chance to sit down and tell you guys what has been going on in my complex little universe. Get ready because we have LOTS of catching up to do.
Over the last week, my school has freed us student prisoners from its gloomy confines due to spring break. To celebrate this temporary but long awaited freedom, my family made plans to escape to the exciting city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin for a few days. Originally, the plan was that my mom and I would be the only people to go. Not only would that be a splendid way to spend some good old fashioned quality time with my workaholic mom, it would also be MUCH less anxiety-provoking for me. You see, going on these little vacations are not easy for me and it causes a lot of debilitating anxiety. Why you ask? Well, leaving home means I have to have some level of spontaneity and flexibility, both of which are pretty much nonexistent in me and cause me to turn into a distressed mess. In order to control all this anxiety, I need to control the situation and it is a hell of a lot easier to control the situation when there is only one other person with me instead of three. Unfortunately, despite my tireless efforts to try to convince my dad and little sister not to come, they wouldn’t budge. We ended up compromising and decided they would come a day after my mom and I went. That way, my mom and I could spend some time together and for at least one day, I wouldn’t be a nervous wreck.
The day I spent with my mom, I was calm and collected. I could control when and what we ate, where we visited, and when we rested. There were actually multiple moments during that day where I said to myself that this vacation really wouldn’t be all that bad. But then my dad and sister came and my anxiety morphed me into some uncontrollable monster.
Once they came, my ability to control my unfamiliar and frightening environment was taken from me. I was forced to eat at places and at times that were completely foreign to me. Not surprising, I suffered from multiple panic attacks and fractious fits of rage. The vacation became honestly unbearable and I think everyone was relieved when it was finally time to check out of the hotel.
So folks, as you probably figured out by now, the vacation was the definition of a COMPLETE FAILURE. I know it was my inability to adapt that destroyed what could have been a marvelous time of family bonding, but I wish my parents made some attempts to make the trip easier. They could have planned out when and where we were going to eat and allowed me to look at the menu a few hours in advance so I knew what the hell I was going to consume once I got there! Gosh, I wish I could describe in words how helpful that would have been for me! Also, I would have greatly appreciated it if they comforted and reassured me a bit more instead of reprimanding me for my severe panic attacks. For god’s sake, don’t they understand that when I am having a panic attack I am scared and I require some reassurance?!??!?!? Is it really that hard?
Ok, well enough of my complaining. It’s time for me to get on with my last day of spring break and make an attempt to cherish it. I hope and pray you all are doing well and staying strong, whether you have an eating disorder or not.