I am sad to say that since the birth of the human race, cruelty has continued to rob people of their laughter, of their smiles, and of their hope. There are folks who walk around rough neighborhoods with guns in their pockets, ready to destroy the life of another due to outrageous matters like drugs. There are ruthless husbands who seem to get a kick out of beating their wives. And, there are wicked racists who live to see the blood of those who are not apart of their white Christian ideal.
All of these atrocious forms of cruelty share something in common – they all involve inflicting physical harm to their opponents. But there is another type of cruelty that doesn’t involve bullets, knives, or fists. Actually it involves a weapon that I believe is more deadly than each one of these combined – it’s words.
Words can either be tools to build someone up or pieces of artillery to crush someone’s soul. Just yesterday, I was excited to create my second YouTube video in my new vlog series called Living with an Eating Disorder. As I started up my computer and got onto the internet, I noticed a notification from YouTube saying I received a new comment on my first video of the series. I felt a little rush of elation run through my veins. I love reading comments from my viewers and hearing about their fight with Ed. It not only makes me feel like I am not the only one in this seemingly endless battle, it also helps me keep fighting my eating disorder. I thought this comment would be just like the others and unfortunately, I decided to read it.
The comment said, “You’re obese”. Once I saw those two little words, I could feel my heart shatter like a piece of extraordinarily fragile glass and I felt a river of salty tears race down my shocked face. My urge to self-harm, purge, compulsively exercise, and to restrict was stronger than ever. All I wanted was to stop fighting my eating disorder and allow him to take complete control of screwed up life.
I can’t describe in words how much I yearn to say I was able to fight through these potentially deadly compulsions, but I honestly didn’t. Though I was able to keep myself from cutting my arms to shreds and purging the contents of my stomach, I now am much more concerned with my caloric intake. I am deliberately trying to eat less in hopes that I will lose just a few pounds in order to avoid being labeled as obese once again.
I am sorry you guys. I am so sorry.