On the “Fat Pill”

So folks, do you remember that one post not too long ago where I released my fears about taking the 20 dreaded milligrams of one of the most notorious pills in the world – prednisone? Do you remember how I allowed my anxieties to get the better of me and made the illogical, relatively dangerous choice of refusing the medication all together?  Well everybody, my mind has made a total 180 and I decided to pop that round, peach colored prednisone pill this morning.

Now I bet you’re wondering how I went from being so determined not to take the prednisone to voluntarily taking this side-effect laden drug. It all is because of a single, kind comment written by a mother of an ED child.

This woman (who I swear probably has a heart made of pure gold) wrote one of the longest comments I’ve seen. She described how my blog allows her to see in the eyes of an anorexic which allows her to better empathize with her child’s condition. She explained how she agreed with my views on many controversial topics in the world of eating disorders such as physical activity and how to properly treat with an anorexic.  But what was also in the comment was her personal struggle with an undiagnosed condition that is causing her a myriad of debilitating symptoms. This kind-hearted woman told me how not taking my medication could result the doctors having an even harder time diagnosing me and the way she composed her nurturing words actually made me second-guess the decision I made in regards to the the prednisone.

After careful deliberation and reflection, I made the decision that this Saturday morning, the pill would be put in my  mouth and swallowed. And when I awakened to the springy sound of birds chirping, I did just that.

 

Sleepless

If someone told me that I would ever write a blog post at 2 in the morning, I would advise them to go see some shrink. First of all, why the hell would I be up at such an ungodly hour? Second of all, even if I was up so goddamn early, why on earth would I be attempting to produce a blog post? I mean my brain would probably be so exhausted that I couldn’t even compose a cohesive sentence!

Well believe it or not, I am doing exactly that. I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, I thought it might be a good idea to get them all out through writing. Maybe after they’re purged from my mind, I will finally be able to return to my bed and get some shut-eye.

To understand the origin of all my emotions, we’re going to have to step back in time to Monday of last week. On that day, my parents and I all jumped into the car and headed straight to the children’s hospital. I had yet another appointment with the rheumatologist and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. You see, I have left many of his appointments feeling sick and still having no answers as to why my physical condition seems to be deteriorating. It started to make me feel like I was going absolutely nuts and that maybe I should just check myself into the nearest psych ward.

This appointment was a little different though. The rheumy acknowledged that I was feeling unwell and was quite shocked with my latest blood test results. They were all over the map and the rheumy believed I had some autoimmune condition. Unfortunately, he still had no clue as to what that condition may be. I am not exactly what you would call a clear-cut case. My complex medical history and my battle with anorexia obviously makes diagnosing me not some walk in the park. The good thing though about the appointment was that I felt like the rheumy really cared about my well being and was willing to guide me on my diagnosis journey.

Now fast forward 6 days later (that would be a Sunday) and you’ll find me laying in my bed barely able to move or eat. My face is as white as Wisconsin’s never-ending snow and whenever I use the bathroom, tons of watery stool are launched from my buttox into the toilet. Believe me, it is most definitely not a pretty sight!

I thought that maybe these symptoms all would pass by the next day, but they didn’t. If anything they got worse! My parents, beginning to worry, contacted the rheumy’s office and they decided to put me on 20mg of prednisone.

Yes you read that right – I have now been prescribed one of the most notorious drugs in the history of medicine. For those of you who are unfamiliar with prednisone, let me explain to you the side effects. This drug causes one’s insulin to skyrocket resulting in powerful cravings. Ultimately this leads to a drastic increase in calorie consumption which results in weight gain. This of course is my worst fear. The idea of having cravings and gaining weight uncontrollably just doesn’t sit well. I already hate ever square inch of my body. If I even just a few pounds more, I don’t even think I go out in public anymore……

I am so scared and I am so angry. Why is my body doing this to me? It isn’t fair!

What Do You Want to See?

Guess what folks . . . .It’s Sunday and I think it is the perfect time to make a new video for my YouTube series Living With an Eating Disorder!

So my friends I want to know what YOU struggle with on a day to day basis due to your eating disorder. Type your answer in a comment below and your answer may just be the topic of my next video 🙂

 

Thank you and don’t forget if you ever need someone to talk to, you can easily contact me by clicking the “CONTACT ME” button on the top of this page! 🙂

Stay strong!

Daily Inspiration: Survive and Thrive

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For many people with anorexia nervosa, the disease is not just a diagnosis but a death sentence. 20% of those suffering from this deadly brain disorder will pass away and only 50% will ever be able to say that they have freed themselves from Ana’s tight grasp.  Though these statistics are extremely disheartening and may cause you to  believe that there is absolutely no hope, remember that YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A STATISTIC. You CAN get help. You CAN fight Ana until it is she, not you, who surrenders. You CAN survive!

And let me tell you, once you make it out of Ana’s dark tunnel, you will become a stronger person. Like Brian Cuban’s quote up above says, you will have learned so many things from your struggles and maybe you will chose to do something positive with your newly discovered knowledge.  You could spread eating disorder awareness and teach others that people with EDs are not  seeking vanity or thinness- they are sick. You could find a way to teach young girls about the importance of eating everything in moderation and help them learn to love their beautiful, God-given bodies. Hell, you could become a doctor, nurse practitioner, or dietitian that specializes in eating disorders and help people get on the road to recovery. There are so many possibilities and every single one of these possibilities could save someone’s life.

Put Ana in her grave before she takes you to yours and take what you have learned so you can change someone’s life. You can do it! I believe in you!

 

P.S. I will be making a new Vlog video today! Have any suggestions? Make sure to comment below!

 

No One Knew

Not too long ago, there was once a little girl.

Her short gold hair was the brilliant color of the shining sun.

Her tiny pink toddler lips seemed to be constantly curved into a huge grin.

And if you looked into her wide ocean-blue eyes, it was almost like you could see into the girl’s gleeful soul.

But no one knew what the future held for this tiny tot.

No one knew that  just 2 years later she would start comparing her body to other preschoolers.

No one knew that at age 7 she hated herself because she knew she was chunkier than the rest of her classmates.

No one knew that by age 9 she would get down on her knees, open her mouth, and allow half-digested food to fall into the toilet.

No one knew that once she made it into the 7th grade, she would begin to start eating only 400 calories a day.

No one knew this innocent child would be consumed by a vicious eating disorder.

No one knew.