1. My brain is constantly fixated on my body. There is not a single second during the day where I am not wondering if people are staring at me and thinking I am one of the most hideous, obese females they’ve ever laid eyes on.
2.Every time I look at my parents, I can see the sorrow and misery hidden written all over their eyes. It hurts me so much to know that my eating disorder has caused them such emotional turmoil.
3. It annoys me that so many people can say they have a serious medical illness and get support, but if you say you are struggling with an eating disorder, people could really care less. So many folks think eating disorders are a choice and that patients who suffer from them are just a bunch of selfish, vain, attention-seeking freaks.
4. I can’t tell you how much I want to be like normal people and eat in a restaurant. At the moment, the idea of going out to eat is absolutely mortifying. My diseased mind constantly tells me that the chefs are dousing my food in calorie-laden fats and that if I just eat a single bite of my entree, I will gain a significant amount of weight. Yep . . . I know that is completely irrational but we all know that Ed isn’t a very logical guy.
5. I am completely unable to have a social life. My regimented diet and obsessions with eating at specific times makes going out with the few friends I have quite a challenge. Though they are aware of my battle with an eating disorder, they seem to not comprehend what a herculean task even a short social outing is for me.
6. For most people, family vacations are a wonderful experience. I mean sure, parents can be a bit (or maybe even QUITE a bit) embarrassing but sometimes that is what makes the trip even more enjoyable! For me though, family vacations are the equivalent to hell. You see, even a short excursion requires me to completely change my eating schedule. Only those with eating disorders know how absolutely terrifying it is to be forced to change when, where, and what you’ll eat.
7. I hate being emotionally out of control. My eating disorder causes me to feel incredibly anxious most (if not all) of the time. In my case, feelings of great anxiety result in me morphing into an angry, selfish asshole. My parents obviously aren’t a big fan of that.
8. What am I going to eat at my next meal or snack? That question seems to be ingrained in my all of my thought processes and I am ABSOLUTELY sick of it!
9. I am a burden to my family. I don’t care if they say otherwise because I know they are just lying so I don’t feel like a self-centered brat. It seems like they are constantly taking me to the psychiatrist, dietitian, therapist, or doctor and I know all those appointments aren’t budget-friendly either.
10. I forgot what it was like to be happy and I know that as long as I have Ed, there is never going to be a genuine smile on my face.