If someone told me that I would ever write a blog post at 2 in the morning, I would advise them to go see some shrink. First of all, why the hell would I be up at such an ungodly hour? Second of all, even if I was up so goddamn early, why on earth would I be attempting to produce a blog post? I mean my brain would probably be so exhausted that I couldn’t even compose a cohesive sentence!
Well believe it or not, I am doing exactly that. I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, I thought it might be a good idea to get them all out through writing. Maybe after they’re purged from my mind, I will finally be able to return to my bed and get some shut-eye.
To understand the origin of all my emotions, we’re going to have to step back in time to Monday of last week. On that day, my parents and I all jumped into the car and headed straight to the children’s hospital. I had yet another appointment with the rheumatologist and I wasn’t looking forward to it one bit. You see, I have left many of his appointments feeling sick and still having no answers as to why my physical condition seems to be deteriorating. It started to make me feel like I was going absolutely nuts and that maybe I should just check myself into the nearest psych ward.
This appointment was a little different though. The rheumy acknowledged that I was feeling unwell and was quite shocked with my latest blood test results. They were all over the map and the rheumy believed I had some autoimmune condition. Unfortunately, he still had no clue as to what that condition may be. I am not exactly what you would call a clear-cut case. My complex medical history and my battle with anorexia obviously makes diagnosing me not some walk in the park. The good thing though about the appointment was that I felt like the rheumy really cared about my well being and was willing to guide me on my diagnosis journey.
Now fast forward 6 days later (that would be a Sunday) and you’ll find me laying in my bed barely able to move or eat. My face is as white as Wisconsin’s never-ending snow and whenever I use the bathroom, tons of watery stool are launched from my buttox into the toilet. Believe me, it is most definitely not a pretty sight!
I thought that maybe these symptoms all would pass by the next day, but they didn’t. If anything they got worse! My parents, beginning to worry, contacted the rheumy’s office and they decided to put me on 20mg of prednisone.
Yes you read that right – I have now been prescribed one of the most notorious drugs in the history of medicine. For those of you who are unfamiliar with prednisone, let me explain to you the side effects. This drug causes one’s insulin to skyrocket resulting in powerful cravings. Ultimately this leads to a drastic increase in calorie consumption which results in weight gain. This of course is my worst fear. The idea of having cravings and gaining weight uncontrollably just doesn’t sit well. I already hate ever square inch of my body. If I even just a few pounds more, I don’t even think I go out in public anymore……
I am so scared and I am so angry. Why is my body doing this to me? It isn’t fair!