It happened yesterday afternoon. I thought I just had diarrhea (something that seems to occur quite often due to my wonderful IBS), but as I sat on that god damn porcelain thrown of mine something felt . . . off. As I sat up, I looked at the contents that swam in the toilet’s waters and I felt my heart pound hard beneath the layer of hideous fat that surrounds my chest. In the toilet I saw my threads of bright red lacing my stool.
For goodness sake, I thought I was bleeding somewhere in my GI system. I was ready to scream for my father and beg him to get me to the ER. I mean, it was not just a few streaks of blood guys, IT WAS A TON!!!!!!!!! YES, A TON!!!!!!!! I thought I was going to bleed out or something.
But then I looked down at my pair of stripped blue panties and to my horror, they were stained a dark brown and had revolting metallic odor. Just then everything clicked . . . I had just had my first period. It was like I was trapped in my worst nightmare.
Having my period not only represented my entrance into womanhood, it also represented that my weight was . . . (I hate to say it) . . . healthy. Oh and you know what that means . . . I AM FAT. BEING HEALTHY MEANS I AM FAT. No longer am I abnormally skinny. No longer am I a good anorexic. I am now officially a disgusting bitch and I despise myself with every fat-laden ounce of my body.
I am in such a dark place right now and I wish I could locked myself in my room and NEVER EVER face the world again.
Ana seems like my only choice right now. . . and you know what, if I want to be beautiful, it probably is.