Damn it! I HAD MY FIRST PERIOD!

It happened yesterday afternoon.  I thought I just had diarrhea (something that seems to occur quite often due to my wonderful IBS), but as I sat on that god damn porcelain thrown of mine something felt . . . off.  As I sat up, I looked at the contents that swam in the toilet’s waters and I felt my heart pound hard beneath the layer of hideous fat that surrounds my chest.  In the toilet  I saw my threads of bright red lacing my stool.

For goodness sake, I thought I was bleeding somewhere in my GI system.  I was ready to scream for my father and beg him to get me to the ER. I mean, it was not just a few streaks of blood guys, IT WAS A TON!!!!!!!!! YES, A TON!!!!!!!! I thought I was going to bleed out or something.

But then I looked down at my pair of stripped blue panties and to my horror, they were stained a dark brown and had revolting metallic odor. Just then everything clicked . . . I had just had my first period.   It was like I was trapped in my worst nightmare.

Having my period not only represented my entrance into womanhood, it also represented that my weight was . . . (I hate to say it) . . . healthy.   Oh and you know what that means . . . I AM FAT. BEING HEALTHY MEANS I AM FAT. No longer am I abnormally skinny. No longer am I a good anorexic. I am now officially a disgusting bitch and I despise myself with every fat-laden ounce of my body.

I am in such a dark place right now and I wish I could locked myself in my room and NEVER EVER face the world again.

Ana seems like my only choice right now. . .  and you know what, if I want to be beautiful, it probably is.

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3 thoughts on “Damn it! I HAD MY FIRST PERIOD!

  1. Oh, god, I’m so sorry to hear this. I know you don’t want to hear that your newfound health and/or womanhood is a great thing (and you’re probably hearing it a lot already anyways) so I’m not going to say that. What I am going to say, however, is that no amount of weight on your body could ever make you a bitch, let alone a disgusting one. Whether you’re suffering from an eating disorder or not doesn’t change the fact that you’re a truly lovely person who deserves all the best.

    I don’t know if any this really helps, but I do want you to know that with all else aside, you’re such a beautiful (and whether you know it or not, strong) person. I know you’ll get through this.

  2. I understand. I haven’t had mine in months and I enjoy not having it because it makes me feel “successful”. At outpatient though, she told me that some people never lose their period no matter how thin they get; me on the other hand, I am not under weight, but get my period very VERY rarely. Easier said than done, but don’t stress yourself out about it, breathe, go on a run.

    1. That’s EXACTLY how I felt before I had my period. I thought that having no period meant that I was thin, that I was beautiful, that I was perfect. Now that I am bleeding out of my ass (ok I know it is not really my butt, but I think you get the picture), my body image has hit rock bottom.

      I am starting to restrict again and I am constantly thinking about my weight. There isn’t a second that goes by where I don’t count calories. I feel like the mountain of progress I built is just crumbling down.

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