Pushed Aside

Therapists are suppose to be people you can trust with everything.

They are suppose to be the people who will help lead you out of the abyss of mental illness.

They are suppose to be the people that will keep hold of your hand and never EVER let go, even when it seems like everyone else will.

On Wednesday though I discovered that my therapist really meant none of the criteria I listed above and I can’t tell you in words how much that made my heart bleed with sorrow and pain.

So I bet you are wondering what all happened on Wednesday and why my opinion of my therapist took a turn for the worst.  Well, it all began with my therapist going on vacation to NYC so I was forced to cancel my appointment with her last week.   She was suppose to return this week in time for my appointment this Tuesday, but got stranded in an airport for some reason and was unable to make it back in time to see me. Naturally, I was slightly disappointed about me being unable to see her but I realized she had no control over whether or not her flight took off. I set this letdown aside and asked my dad to reschedule my appointment with her. He ended up getting an appointment with her on Wednesday at 2:15pm . . . or at least so we thought.

I showed up to my appointment on time and waited patiently in the waiting room, looking at the outdated magazines that lay strewn across a small end table.  At about 2:30, my therapist appeared from the hallway with an older lady. As my therapist guided her elderly patient to a car, she turned her head towards me. Her brown eyes were narrow and stern and her aging face sported a cruel grimace.  I was taken aback by this heartless facial expression of hers. I was used to her greeting me warmly and enthusiastically, kind of the way I would expect a typical mom would greet her child after a long time apart.

After a second or so of her staring at me with her cold eyes, she opened her mouth and said harshly, “You need to check your cellphone messages”.  I gulped as she turn her back towards me and lead the old lady to the car.  “I never check my cellphone messages” I thought to myself. “Doesn’t she realize that?”.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile or are familiar with my YouTube videos, you have probably figured out I am not like the typical teen. I do not see my cellphone as some exterior bodily organ that I must have with me in order to function like most immature adolescents.   My cellphones is used for two reasons and two reasons only. Those reasons are to contact my parents in the event if an emergency occurs and if I need to be picked up from a Raabia’s house (who is honestly the only friend I’ve got).   So as you can image, my phone is typically off unless I one of those events occurs which means my phone is off pretty much 98% of the time.  After 3 years of seeing my therapist, I thought she realized I NEVER text or check my text messages. I have told her multiple times the best way to get a hold of me is to email me OR text my dad’s phone.  Obviously after all this time that fact hasn’t resonated with her.

So after her harsh words, I got up and immediately called my dad with the secretary’s phone (I didn’t bring my cellphone because I DIDN’T NEED IT). My dad look at his messages and apparently while we were driving to get to the appointment with my therapist, my therapist had texted my dad saying she had booked a patient in my place and would be seeing him instead.   When I heard my dad say that, I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry though because I didn’t want my therapist to see how hurt I really was.  My dad said he would come over to get me and I then hung up. Once I would the phone back on the receiver, my therapist walked to the copying room to make some copies without even looking at me. Timidly, I made my way over to her and gave her back a book she had loaned me a few weeks ago. She said thank you and then told me in the same harsh voice that she had forgot about my appointment and gave my time to someone else.  Not sure how to respond, I just said ok and with that she continued on copying a bunch of papers.   I walked out of the building and waited for my dad to come get me.  I was so shocked and confused about what just occurred that I didn’t really feel angry. But now that some time has passed, I have found myself sinking in a sea of depression.   I don’t know what to do because I really don’t trust anyone with my feelings anymore. My parents don’t even try to help me work through my feelings, I have really no trust in my psychiatrist, and I have no desire to even send an email to my therapist because I feel so mad at her right now.

I just feel so alone and broken.

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7 thoughts on “Pushed Aside

  1. Dude I cannot believe her!! That’s like really awkward of your therapist like she is acting like she is afraid of you! I realized that we may feel afraid of people, but they’re all afraid of us too! No matter how old they are!

  2. I am so sorry!!! I can’t say I can understand exactly how you feel but my therapist kinda just did me shitty too. After paying privately for almost three months she talked me in to go inpatient and said she would go with me and wait with me and get me through the process. She stayed with me for almost four hours and I cried off and on. I said what happens if they keep me for a couple months and you fill my spot? She replied “fill your spot? Right you can’t get rid of me that easy girl” another time she said you need to do this and I will be right here waiting for you when you get out. And she kept reassuring me we were in this together and once I had some nutrition in me she could start doing her job properly. I was transferred to a hospital for almost a month. When I got out I called her to set up a follow up apt and left a message. I got an email later that day saying she was no longer going to see me and that she wished me well. No call. A fucking email. And she had once said as I sat curled up on her couch “no wonder you are curled up look at all the trauma you have been through in the last two years of course it makes perfect sense you are having a relapse” and I thought how the hell does a email not add to this. How can you say all these things but then just ditch me the very thing you said you wouldn’t do?

    It hurts. It hurts more then words can say especially when you trusted someone with your whole heart. I am so sorry love! Clearly this therapist is a shit head not worthy of you! I know your ED is telling you this is somehow your fault but baby girl it is not!!!

    I am sending you love, hugs, and lots of strength!!!! Hang in there!!!

    1. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR THERAPIST DID THAT TO YOU. That is SO cruel and SO unprofessional of her. If I were you I would march right into her office and confront her (in a calm and non-aggressive manner of course) because what she did left you in a lurch. As that therapist should now, it is a harrowing task for a patient to try to find a therapist that he or she believes they’ll be able to build a trusting relationship with. Plus the issue of insurance always makes these “therapist hunts” even more of a challenge than they already are!

      Tell her how much her actions hurt you and slowed your progress in recovery. She needs to hear that so she can open her blind eyes to the consequences of her completely inconsiderate actions.

      Also, if you need some help finding a new therapist I know of some good websites that you could use. You can contact me by clicking the CONTACT ME tab at the top of the page. That tab will them take you to a new page where you can write a message and send it to me. The message immediately goes right to my private email and I can guarantee you a reply within 24 hours.

      Stay strong and know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. I’m sure she didn’t *intentionally* schedule someone else during your time slot. Mix ups happen. It wasn’t anything personal. Sure, you may be upset, but you need to get past that and realize that life goes on. You’re not her only patient.

    1. I fully realize that I am not her only patient. Also I am well aware that she has many other patients who are in need of her help, wisdom, and support and they are no less important than me. But just because they are no less important than me doesn’t me they are any more important than me.

      When I schedule an appointment, I have every right to be seen at the time I scheduled. I understand there are mistakes and if this was the first time this issue had occurred, then I don’t believe this would bother me as much as it has. But this is not the first time and there have been many other instances of varying degrees that have displayed to me her lack of professionalism.

      1. As I said, my cellphone is only used for emergencies and I listed the two reasons I would utilize my cellphone. I have told my therapist the email is the best way to get ahold of me or calling my home phone. Even if I did check my messages, she left a message saying the appointment was canceled just a few minutes before I got to her office. I wouldn’t have seen the message.

        Thank you for your advice though.
        Claire

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