I am a Lie

At school, I act happy. I hide my pain, my fears, and my ever increasing self-hatred deep inside my heart so that not even those who know me well will realize my true suffering,  Girls in my charter school tell me I’m confident and brave . . . and to be honest, they couldn’t be more wrong. I guess I can’t blame because they only see one side of me. The side that composes some of the most informative class presentations. The side that stands up for her beliefs and values. The side that once was not even a side – it was who I was.

Whenever I am home, the bad side appears. My smile vanishes from my face and my chapped pink lips form a constant grimace.  My eyes that were once filled with joy become a window peering into my broken soul. The moment I enter my home, I transform into a girl who is stuffed from head to toe with anger and self-loathing. I lash out at my family over stupid things or over nothing at all and I do everything possible to isolate myself from them. Now before you start thinking I am some sort of devilish problem child, I really do wish every moment that I could just act at home like I do at school.  The issue is though, at school I feel like a fake. Like I said, I am hiding everything from most of the people I know  and so when I come home, I take off my costume so that all that emotional and physical pain that is painted all over my body reappears.

Maybe one day things will be different and I could smile without masking my true feelings, but that seems like a long way off. To be honest, sometimes it seems like it will never come true and that my wish of happiness is nothing but one of those silly, worthless dreams of mine.

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4 thoughts on “I am a Lie

  1. I remember vividly the feelings of despair I had years ago when I was struggling to recover from my eating disorder. I’m glad I stuck it out during the ups and downs of the recovery process. I began my journey of recovery over 30 years ago and have had over 25 years of solid recovery. The days of happiness increased as my days of recovery did, and this is possible for you as well. Hang in there and know that each day you are doing the best you can.

    1. 25 years of solid recovery is absolutely amazing! You are so strong for standing up and beating your eating disorder 🙂 . Just saying that you have not had your ED be an integral part of your life for 25 years is inspiring to all eating disorder sufferers 🙂 !
      Thank you so much for sharing your story and your wisdom 🙂
      Claire

  2. So tough for you to be wearing this mask. It’s the tiredness of putting on that happy smile that makes you fall so hard when you get home.
    There’s also some truth in the fact that those who love you without conditions, are ‘safe’.
    Please hold on. Your dreams aren’t worthless. There is happiness, just like there’s pain. You need to try and talk honestly to a close friend.

    Thinking of you.

    ff

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