At school, I act happy. I hide my pain, my fears, and my ever increasing self-hatred deep inside my heart so that not even those who know me well will realize my true suffering, Girls in my charter school tell me I’m confident and brave . . . and to be honest, they couldn’t be more wrong. I guess I can’t blame because they only see one side of me. The side that composes some of the most informative class presentations. The side that stands up for her beliefs and values. The side that once was not even a side – it was who I was.
Whenever I am home, the bad side appears. My smile vanishes from my face and my chapped pink lips form a constant grimace. My eyes that were once filled with joy become a window peering into my broken soul. The moment I enter my home, I transform into a girl who is stuffed from head to toe with anger and self-loathing. I lash out at my family over stupid things or over nothing at all and I do everything possible to isolate myself from them. Now before you start thinking I am some sort of devilish problem child, I really do wish every moment that I could just act at home like I do at school. The issue is though, at school I feel like a fake. Like I said, I am hiding everything from most of the people I know and so when I come home, I take off my costume so that all that emotional and physical pain that is painted all over my body reappears.
Maybe one day things will be different and I could smile without masking my true feelings, but that seems like a long way off. To be honest, sometimes it seems like it will never come true and that my wish of happiness is nothing but one of those silly, worthless dreams of mine.