Oh God, Can’t You See?

Nowadays I am beginning to wonder why I even exist. Why couldn’t I just have died from my wretched eating disorder? Why didn’t my heart just stop? Why didn’t my kidney’s fail? Why didn’t every single internal organ in my body call it quits?  Why God? Why?

God if you are out there, can’t you see me? Can’t you see that salty tears run down my pale cheeks every night as I lay in my bed?  Can’t you see that my eating disorder is becoming stronger because everything in my life is falling apart?  School is becoming more and more difficult. Any social relationships I once had are turning to ashes.  Worse of all God, look at what I have done to my family. I have torn them apart. My parents fight constantly, their love for each other being slowly suffocated by my sins.  Oh and my little sister? Well she is terrified of me and avoid me as if I were the black plague.

And you know what, maybe I am.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Oh God, Can’t You See?

  1. Dont say those things about yourself! It may seem as if it is the end of all but I say to you that you CAN overcome this! I’ve been through this also, and now I am a better version of me.. but I couldn’t do it by myself, I needed God so desperately and He saved me from dying.. trust me it will get better! Just try as hard as you can! Never ever give up! Fight for the ones that you love and love you.. seek for help
    you are not alone!
    Fight for what you believe, your hopes, your dreams…
    I’ve found the meaning of life.. and to me is living for God

  2. Hi Cece,

    I can not tell you why I think God does certain things because the bible does say in Isaiah 55:8 that his thoughts are not our thoughts. However, I think I can say this, 1) God said he will never leave us therefore he’s not oblivious to what your going through at all ( Deut 31:6, Joshua 1:9 ). 2) We can not see ahead, around the next corner, we can only see what’s right in front of us. What is happening now may not make much sense now but we do not know what he has in store for us then. The bible says in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

    3) As a whole, God has a purpose for every single one of us on this Earth. I see that you been posting videos on You tube concerning Eating Disorders and educating people about the reality of it all and helping people along the way with your story. It’s not easy…it’s painful ( and though I can only speak from what I have heard/learned), seeing you willing to have the courage to share your story in the capacity that you have ( this blog, your vlog/Q&A videos)…that means something! Your still here because your not meant to go, your purpose is not finish…he has plans to use you. It may look like a blur now but through our weaknesses, our testimony becomes stronger. The bible says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 – For when I am weak, I am strong…

    You may be thinking, what’s up with all of the bible verses when I am going through a time when I am questioning God….but I could not speak to you without drawing from where I gain my words to speak from. I was a bit hesitant to post here because I knew I could not relate to what you must be going through but then…just because I can not relate in this specific situation, does not mean the bible becomes irrelevant/not pertain-able in any situation. So, Hold On, Cece, things will get better ( maybe not easier) but better because you’ll be stronger. I’ll end with this verse…..Romans 8:35: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?….what your going through…this disorder will never get in the way of God loving you.

    ~ Baaps

  3. I have to say that you sound very selfish and that this post sounds like a pity party. You can take charge of your health and “recovery”. You have a therapist and psychiatrist, so use them and talk to them. You are very good at researching and finding out all kinds of information within the medical field. Use that to help yourself. It sounds like something needs to change. Wether it be a new treatment team/plan or even a higher level of care. You recognize that your life is “falling apart”. So instead of listing all the negatives and not being pro-active.
    Be pro-active. You have a voice use it and you have a choice.

    1. I would like to take the time to thank you for your honesty and I would also like to thank you for making a comment. It was a real reality check 🙂 . I understand now it is time for me to move forward in life even though it is going to one hell of a challenge. In my most recent blog post (the one I wrote right after this one) I actually discussed how I am going to begin to take the first steps in fighting my eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and anger.

      Your words were very motivating and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write this comment 🙂
      Claire

  4. This is awful, but I wonder the exact same thing about myself. Why my body is so resilient, why my throat hasn’t ruptured, why heart attacks run in my family but I’m still fine, etc.
    I wish nothing but recovery and good thoughts, even though I understand the frustration and discouragement.

    1. Having an eating disorder is a lot harder than how the world has portrayed it. Please is you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to click the CONTACT ME tab on my blog. Just write a message and it will go directly to my private email 🙂
      I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers 🙂
      Claire

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