Final Hell

As I stood in my high school’s vestibule Thursday afternoon, with its high windows stretching from its floor to its pyramid-like ceiling, I could hear the obnoxious roar of students chatting behind me as they raced to their 6th period exam. I knew that at this time, I should be walking amongst that crowd of juveniles, but my body was crying in pain and the peach-colored skin of my face had been replaced by skin that had the sickly color of a gray rain cloud. I was now the newest victim of my suburban town’s influenza epidemic, and to be honest, I couldn’t be anymore grateful.

After a good 20 minutes of being trapped in the vestibule, my dad finally picked me up and took me home. There, I immediately crashed on my unmade bed. My body was ravaged with exhaustion as the flu virus continued to infiltrate every cell that composed me.  But not only was my body feeling totally devoid of energy, so was my brain.  Why? Well I had spent most of my free hours this past week with my head stuffed in textbooks because it was finals week – the dreaded week where teachers give out horrendously difficult exams (aka “finals”) in order to see if you are capable of regurgitating the knowledge that had been stuffed down your throat over the course of the semester.

Though I have a track record of acing my science and French exams, I have always struggled with math.  I do not know if that is because math has always been my first exam of the week or if it is because I am a complete dufus when it comes to trig functions and radians. Whatever the reason, I always do poorly on the exam.

And despite the hours of studying and watching Khan Academy videos, this year was no different . . . except for one thing. You see, I am usually able to pull off a C for my math final, but this year I decided to switch it up a little and get a F**KING F!

Yep, you read that right! I completely failed my math exam . . . .COMPLETELY.

I blame this horrific grade on the panic attack I suffered during the WHOLE exam period. From the minute the exam started to the minute the bell rang for us to close our exam packets, my heart bounded like a bass drum beneath my chest and my hands shook uncontrollably. I felt like I was a prisoner to the anxiety – trapped inside my body as the anxiety took control over every aspect of my mind.
But panic attack or not, my grade for the exam is still a F.  In my eyes this grade not only grades my exam, it also grades me as a person. My heart is an F. My dreams are an F. Oh and that soul of mine, that’s an F too.

Why can’t I just be like one of the smart kids for once? Why?

Just why?


3 thoughts on “Final Hell

  1. Claire, you are so much more than a gradient mark. Whether that be a range of integers, percentages, or letters. You are so impressive and smart. I imagine you rocking the Eating Disorder Treatment World when you are well, and complete your education. This is midyear, and I’m am hopeful that you can sort something out with your math teacher to bring up your final grade. Whatever the case, in the end, time is what will help you get over that grade.

    Please rest and recuperate. Try your best not to restrict, especially not fluids!! (Though I’m sure disordered thoughts are pulling you in that direction).

    Breathe. Soak in a bath if it feels nice. Wear your new flower hat in bed if it makes you feel good. Knit when you feel restless, but don’t have the energy to really be up and about.

    I’m a new subscriber to your channel, but I’m finally up to date with your videos and was wondering how you’ve been because you hadn’t been around that way in a while. I’m glad I checked here.

    Take care. Seriously.

    1. Your words of encouragement really mean so much to me and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write what you do. I’ll take every word to heart! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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