The Long Awaited Update

It has been ages since my ED has had this much control over my life. Not only does this scare me, it also scares my family and Dr. K (my psychiatrist). Now whenever I step Dr. K’s scale, I lose weight and I can sense he is deeply concerned that am falling back into old habits. Somehow, I am always able to convince him otherwise, but I know that soon he will see through my lies and start to demand that I seek a higher level of care.

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Well, hello everybody! Long time no see!

I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am to be sitting down and writing this post. School, homework, college planning, and of course my eating disorder, have sucked up every single second of my day. I have hardly had time to rest my enervated mind, let alone compose a blog post.  But as summer vacation approaches, school is beginning to die down. Finally, after months of unending stress, I am finding myself with a few extra moments in my day and what better way to spend this additional time than by giving all of you a thorough update?

So let’s just begin by addressing the elephant in the room – my eating disorder. Things with my ED haven’t been all that great. In fact, with each passing day, my eating disorder has grown stronger. No longer can I eat the food my dad prepares due to the paralyzing fear of not knowing exactly how many calories are in it. Going to restaurants is now something my ED has forbidden me to do and eating in front of people (whether it be at school or at home) is nearly impossible because whenever I do, I am overcome with embarrassment.

It has been ages since my ED has had this much control over my life. Not only does this scare me, it also scares my family and Dr. K (my psychiatrist). Now whenever I step Dr. K’s scale, I lose weight and I can sense he is deeply concerned that am falling back into old habits. Somehow, I am always able to convince him otherwise, but I know that soon he will see through my lies and start to demand that I seek a higher level of care.

Well now that that’s off my chest, let’s switch gears and talk about school.
School has definitely been stressful, but I think the most stressful part of school is the trouble I am having with friends. You see, I meant a group of girls at the beginning of this school year and have been sitting with them at lunch.  We joke together, laugh together, and participate in intriguing discussions on feminism and gender equality.  Plus they all attend my charter school in the afternoon, so the majority of us all have the same classes together. But despite all of this, they have still neglected to invite me to their myriad of parties and social gatherings. How do I know I am missing out? Well, when a party is coming up, they talk about it right in front of me during lunch.  Not once have any of them asked me to join them and I can’t tell you how much that hurts me. It makes me feel like I am nothing but a nuisance in their eyes. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find friends or if my ED will be the only thing that will ever keep me company.

So folks, there’s my update. I am planning on making a YouTube video on the best eating disorder websites.   If you have any other suggestions, please just comment below J

Thank you all for your support!

Claire

4 thoughts on “The Long Awaited Update

  1. Hi Claire,
    Thank you for the update! I’m sorry things have been going this way for you. I haven’t commented before, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I wanted to tell you that you are truly an inspiration to me. I have an eating disorder too, and I’m finding it rather difficult to recover. Because of your inspiration, I’ve started a blog. If you want to visit it, here’s the link:
    https://learningtolivefreefromed.wordpress.com

    I wrote a post on it about two very special people who have inspired me to start the blog. I wanted you to know that you are one of them. I included a link to your blog on my blog. You are such a strong person, you CAN beat this eating disorder. I really hope you’ll email me. My email address is:

    mokimercury@gmail.com

    Stay strong, Claire. You WILL recover.

    From Lauren

  2. Keep it going lady. We all know how easy it is for things to just tumble out of control when we think we’ve got a handle on them. Hope you can keep fighting x

  3. Thanks for posting. It’s been a while since you blogged and I was worried about you. I know life is hard right now but know that someone out there cares for your well being and knows that you are struggling. Sending positive energy your way.

    I was always left out of parties, too. I struggled with being introverted. It took years me to learn that I was never invited because I always looked like I didn’t want to be invited. I guess I just looked too distant. I eventually learned to express myself by saying something like “That sounds like a lot of fun” with a completely fake smile. That sometimes worked but it took the right friends to recognize it and invite me.

  4. It’s really hard to build relationships with others when you’re in a full time relationship with an eating disorder. Would you even go if you were invited?!

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