If Only I Had Known

With each beautiful memory, I could feel myself drowning in an ocean of regret. For far too long I hadn’t any one-on-one time with my grandparents at their home in the serene Michigan countryside. Why? Because my eating disorder kept me locked in my house – a place where everything consumed could be under its strict control. . .

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The first thing I did when I came home yesterday afternoon was collapse on my rat’s nest of a bed. Though I had done nothing but sit in a cramped Ford for eight long hours, my body felt like every ounce of energy had been drained out of it. My muscles felt as wobbly and weak as jello, my brain felt cloudy, and my eyes fluttered like the delicate wings of a baby robin as I fought to stay awake.

As my exhausted sunk into the comfort of my mattress, memories of the past eight days played like a film in my mind’s eye. There were images of summer sun dancing on my grandparents’ crystal clear pond at their farm, images of my aunt’s face beaming with excitement as she fed a llama at the zoo, and images of my grandparents waving goodbye at the crowded McDonald’s where my mom picked me up to take me home.

With each beautiful memory, I could feel myself drowning in an ocean of regret. For far too long I hadn’t any one-on-one time with my grandparents at their home in the serene Michigan countryside. Why? Because my eating disorder kept me locked in my house –  a place where everything consumed could be under its strict control.  My eating disorder was well aware that if I were to go to my grandparents’, I would be forced to eat at unfamiliar times and ingest items it had forbidden to enter my mouth.

Now that I have grown older and stronger, I wish I never let my eating disorder keep me away from the love of my grandparents. Every moment I spent trapped its prison, was a moment I could have spent with listening to the song of my grandma’s laughter or seeing the infectious smile that always lights up my grandpa’s wrinkled face.

Please take it from a girl whose lost more than half her life to an eating disorder and go and see your grandparents. Don’t let your own eating disorder scare you out of it because if there one thing I wish I would have realized, it is that life doesn’t last for eternity. One day the flesh that has been loaned to your loved ones will have to be returned to the Earth  and their souls will vanish into an unknown realm, their presence only to be seen again when you too must go.

3 thoughts on “If Only I Had Known

  1. Hey Claire,

    I’m watching your videos since a few months and I had to say that I’m so so thankful for them, you really help me, you’re such an inspiring person and i wish so much i could met you, I have an eating disorder / anorexia too, but at the moment I realize that I can’t fight against it, i’m in an eating disorder since i think an half year (so I’m first at the beginning) but in the last weeks it really starts going worse, my parents don’t know that I have an eating disorder and i don’t know what to do. I knew the consequences but I haven’t realized them so much and the eating disorder plays them down so much, my head is full of eating disorder thoughts 24 hours a day, yesterday my friend wrote me a message and she told me that she doesn’t know if i will stay alive when I don’t fight against it now, but you know it isn’t very easy and there are two sides in you. I hope i can stop but I also know I need help, i’m also very sorry for my bad english because I’m from Germany, but I do my best and hope you understand me and yhea read my comment. 🙂 But in front of this i want to say I’m so sorry for you, I will take your advice and going to see my grandparents. I also wan’t to ask you if we could write each other emails or text each other. I would be so happy, please please let me know. So yes I hope you read my comment and i want to wish you a lot of love! GOING FORWARD ♡.
    Best wishes N.

    1. Your message made my day and your English is beautiful!!!

      I am so sorry about your struggle with your eating disorder. For quite some time, my parents were not aware that I was battling one either, but once you are able to reach out and tell someone you need help, things will slowly (and I mean VERY slowly) begin to get better. I have had my eating disorder for years and it wasn’t until this year that I had my first bite of sorbet and taffy. The thing I did that helped me was that I asked my friends to tell a teacher that I trusted. The teacher ended up telling my parents for me so I didn’t have to. At the time, this felt like the best thing to do because I was worried my parents would get mad once I told them I had an eating disorder. I knew they would understand. If you have a teacher or another adult you trust and your too worried to tell your parents, tell the trusted adult about your eating disorder. It’s impossible to fight this disease alone and you deserve as much support as you need.

      I would love to write with you! Just click on the “Contact Me” tab on the website and write a quick message so that I know who you are. After that we can write back and forth! 🙂

      I will be thinking of you! You are very brave!
      Claire

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